Some days, the comics just don't cut it. Read the comic first, then our comments below.
Racist bastards!
“Just finally graduate from elementary school, and then we’ll talk. . . . Also, your heads on backwards.”
“And he can beat box.”
“You know, you’ll never use trigonometry in the real world.”
“Question 2: Plantation owner Terrance owns 25 . . . wait, how old is this textbook?”
“How about: ‘Hot Dog Cannon Wednesdays or the janitor mops naked!'”
“I like my dogs that don’t lose their legs.”
“Are you calling me stupid?”
“No, I . . .”
“Good, because I do not think my psyche could take that right now!”
“‘We built this city!!’ Oh, sh*t. Push me! For the love of god, push me!!”
“I’m going to go see ‘Newsies’ on Broadway, baby! WITHOUT you two! Bwuah-ha-ha!”
“Dear son or daughter, you can be anything you want to be, if and when you grow up.”
“There’s this thing called ‘foreplay.'”
“You think we should try it?”
“Sure, why not? Close the door.”
“Wow. You are a GREAT marriage counselor.”
“What are you talking about? I just said Happy MLK Day.”
“Pregnant-busy! And you’re going to be a grandmother!”
“I’m kidding. That’s Nixon’s funeral.”
“Clean-up in Aisle Grandma’s Lap!”
“It wasn’t funny when you did that 10 years ago, and it’s not funny now!”
“If God did retire, prayer would just be a horrible waste of time and energy. Like some kind of spiritual placebo. Right, Mommy?”
“*fat-ass…*”
“What was that!?!”
“I called you a ‘bad-ass’.”
“Oh! Cool!”
“STOP! The cat’s under there!!!”
“Oops.”
“It was pregnant!”
“Oh jeez.”
“These are new sheets, too!”
“No, Marmaduke, I said SIT!”
“My wife died trapped in a box. They never teach you how to get out. She was only 28.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t speak American Sign Language.”
“Eat a bag of dicks, then, asswad.”
“And a good day to you, too!”
“Now I need to get you to an interior bedroom. I mean, interior doorway!”
“And I decided to go ahead and perform my own laryngectomy.”
“How are you still talking?”
“Electronic implant.”
“Boy, the number of times that thing has gotten me laid…”
“Yeah: Shut the hell up! We’re interventioning Grandma!”
“Oh yeah, he gouged out his eyeballs at the MOMA.”
“I saw that exhibit. It sucked — hard.”
“And that wasn’t apple juice you drank; it was Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Men™.”
“Beetle, stop ™ing.”
“Sorry, Sarge®.”
“Should we tell him about the P.O.T.U.S.?”
“Naahh. Let’s just make fun of his doofusey mullet. That’s more original.”
“I keep betting on Dennis in the Dead Pool. Someone is going to get tired of that menace and end him!”
“By the way, what’s our insurance coverage for ‘vehicular manslaughter’? And how about for ‘intentionally hitting a dude’?”
“That’s not true! He really likes it when you do his tax returns.”
“True. Why does he need to itemize his deductions, though???”
“He had an extensive, uninsured dental expense last quarter!”
“Don’t call me ‘lady.'”
“That’s the horse’s name.”
“Are you calling me a horse?”
“What would I call you a horse for? Are you going somewhere?”
“As my great-grandfather Cornelius told me, it was one big sausage-fest.”
“That was back when it was cool to be German, before Hitler went all O.J. on Europe.”
“No, wait! Can’t we just stay and watch a few more horses fall over?”
“Okay…But just two!”
“Wait. You’ve got the director’s cut of ‘Face-Off’ with three hours of never-before-seen footage? Oh, hell yes! I’m in!”
“Is anyone here incontinent? It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I am.”
“Get out!”
“And now here’s something else you didn’t expect would come out!”
“Just listen to them! They sound like bang gangers.”
“You sicken me, Doris.”
“Not in English though.”
“Ahh, good point.”
“You sure seem to know a lot about this robbery.”
“I’m not going back to the joint!!!” — *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM*
“Porn star!”
“Netflix and pills, baby!”
“I’m a happily married man, thank you very much!”
“Okay, but why did you move the microwave to your dresser?”
“I’m gaslighting Mom. I’m also adding a gallon of bleach to each load of wash she does. Hilarious!”
“So my new career will be making horseshoes, but get this, for ducks!”
“And I also invented the electric violin, sardine pretzels, and the cold cock.”
“June?”
“Guess again!”
“Flag Day?”
“Guess again!”
“Stop! You’re just doing this because you know I’m hung over. Just stop! You don’t know my life!”
“So do some dangerous parkour now, miserable Earthlings, or we probe you!”
“Ooh, probe me!!!”
“Those aren’t allowed. This is Texas.”
“But before you go, does this skirt make my butt look like I’m packing an IED?”
“But I thought you said that his drowning was determined to be accidental. . . . Uhh, I have to go.”
“Not so fast!”
“Oh, hellz yeahz, I’ll talkz to that stupid, stale hognutz.”
“So, what are you wearing?”
“This is his Stealing the Homeless’ Hat phase. It’s very common.”
“I pray for my dear grandmother every Tuesday.”
“It’s always gotta be about you, Joan; doesn’t it!”
“Yeah, and you’re also the guy with the steatopygous countenance.”
“Are you calling me a fat-ass face?”
“Ummmm . . . No?”
“I told you: It’s Lime Pop-Rocks flavor or I take my business elsewhere!”
“Dolly, you’re a clarinet.”
“And where is Jeffy’s little friend you took with you to the river?”
“He didn’t make it. What’s lunch!!!”
“Oh no! They’re all gone! Son of a bitch!”
“Billy, in 3,2,1…”
“Hi, do you suffer from E.D.? I know I do.”
“That’s my adorable way of saying, “SHUT THE HELL UP MOMMY’S BOOK CLUB MORON FRIENDS!”
comic comebacks 